This is no fun

Life really really sucks right now. Not entirely from outside sources too but from shit I did to myself. I really don't know what to do and I really just want things to end. I want to stop having school. I want to have a decent life without so much stress and anxiety. I just want to feel normal again. I hate life. Every day is the worst day of my life.

People I Love

So these are people I admire or love in some sense off the top of my head. If you don't know who they are I am so sad for you.

Kate Winslet
Emma Thompson
Alfred Molina
Tim Curry
Eddie Izzard
Johnny Depp
Oscar Wilde
Jane Austen
Elenore Roosevelt
Alice Walker
Alexis Arquette
Zora Neale Hurston
Ani DiFranco
Josh Groban
My mommy
Gramma
Grampa
Las Mariposas
Kate Bornstien
Tracy Chapman
Gael Garcia Bernal
Ghandi
Che
Fidel (Yes I will say it)
do da do
I can't think right now but that is probably because I got 2 hours of sleep last night!!!! Yay!
More to come as I think of things

I love love love Alexis Arquette. I want to be her best friend. I think she is fabulous and funny and such an incredible person. She was the only reason to watch the Surreal Life. Anyway I just thought I'd let you know that. Whoever you are.

Goals Suck

Oh beautiful shoes I pine for you!!! but alas I have made "goals" ew. Get out of debt and start working out. Shoes not helpful for getting out of debt and not really work out shoes. Oh problems.

On to other issues. I don't want to work at the EC anymore. I can't even deal with Marcus and wierd changes. I am thinking of taking a job at El Centro which would be much less stress but I feel so obligated to the Environmental Center. I don't know what to do! Story of my life though. oh well on the up side I get to go home this weekend and I am buying my mom's car which wil be 1,000 times easier for me. I am so tired of not having my freedom. But I think I will have to get another job to help pay for it. Boo Job, Hooray Car! (love those commercials).

Lies

I talk big and I talk dirty
You know what it means
Jack shit
I act like such a bitch and a dominatrix who is kinky all the fucking time
But you know what
All I want is to be held and loved that's all
That is what I want now.
Don't worry we will get back to the kinky soon enough.

Hello World

Hi miss me? I miss me. I don't know what happened. I've been really down and out lately. Nothing phases me. You reject me. Don't want to go out with me? Ok well I will talk to you later. That's it I don't feel anything. I don't feel bad and I'm not mad or anything. It's like it never happened. I feel like nothing has happened to me in a long time. When was the last time I was truly happy? Truly loved? I want to feel someone to feel close to someone but fuck. I just can't. So what do I do? Let's go out and party. I will get drunk and then I will flirt and have fun and not remember or care the next morning. Ok so that isn't entirely true. I remember some of it and I do care. Especially well especially when what I do involves someone else. I don't mean to do anything that hurts anyone else. I just don't have the confidence in myself to stay but I do not want to be that girl. I don't want to just... well I just can't be the girl who sleeps with everyone just to make herself feel better. I want to be me and have someone think that I am wonderful just because of that. AAAHHHH I don't even know. I think I am going to go to bed.

Silly Survey

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:	Victoria
Birthday:	December 24th!!!
Birthplace:	Denver, CO
Current Location:	Durango, CO
Eye Color:	Brown but I think they are changing colors
Hair Color:	Well as of today it is brown with redish and coppery tints
Height:	5'6"
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Right Handed
Your Heritage:	Mostly Hispanic and Dutch
The Shoes You Wore Today:	Did I wear shoes?
Your Weakness:	I have so many... dark chocolate, dark men, pretty things, crafty supplies...oh the list could go on
Your Fears:	I am afraid of dead mice. dunno why
Your Perfect Pizza:	sundried tomatoes, feta cheese, black olives, and pepperoni
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	I don't have goals
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	yup. It is a good filler
Thoughts First Waking Up:	fuck. I don't wanna leave my bed
Your Best Physical Feature:	my boobs
Your Bedtime:	1 am usually
Your Most Missed Memory:	um what?
Pepsi or Coke:	neither
MacDonalds or Burger King:	neither
Single or Group Dates:	single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	dunno
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Chocolate dark chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Tea please
Do you Smoke:	smoke what? me! never! okay so I do
Do you Swear:	like a fucking sailor
Do you Sing:	when the mood strikes me
Do you Shower Daily:	mostly yes
Have you Been in Love:	yes
Do you want to go to College:	I am in college but do I want to I don't know
Do you want to get Married:	Sometimes I think yes other times no
Do you belive in yourself:	Most days
Do you get Motion Sickness:	no
Do you think you are Attractive:	somedays
Are you a Health Freak:	no
Do you get along with your Parents:	mostly
Do you like Thunderstorms:	hell yeah I think they are gorgeous
Do you play an Instrument:	flute and I pretend that i play guitar.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	definitely
In the past month have you Smoked:	yes
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	no
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	no damn it
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	yes
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	no
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	no
In the past month have you been on Stage:	no...wait...no
In the past month have you been Dumped:	That would mean that I had been on a date so no
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	no
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	um no wait perhaps...
Ever been Drunk:	yes
Ever been called a Tease:	no Oblivious but not a Tease
Ever been Beaten up:	no I kick ass
Ever Shoplifted:	yeah candy I think oh and possibly a pin
How do you want to Die:	I don't know some painless way
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	happy
What country would you most like to Visit:	France or Argentina
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:	Green...mmm sexy
Favourite Hair Color:	dark either black or brown
Short or Long Hair:	I have a thing for long hair but I don't mind short either
Height:	taller than me
Weight:	Doesn't matter
Best Clothing Style:	mmmm 20's pinstripe suit, fadora and spats damn hot. But for everyday just clothes that fit
Number of Drugs I have taken:	I don't know
Number of CDs I own:	hundreds
Number of Piercings:	two holes in each ear so two or four?
Number of Tattoos:	none...yet
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	a couple very distinct things all in high school.
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

Horseshit

I was doing well. Hanging out with friends, a little stressed but generally happy. So why am I here again? In march my Grampa died. Big Huge blow to the family. My family is very close. Besides my own emotional pain to deal with I had to help take care of everyone else. I came home this summer to help keep my gramma distracted and to help my mom out. I go back to school. My sister gets a boyfriend. No big deal right? Wrong. This kid is a loser who is older than her with no life, no future and does drugs and drinks. Ah so now she thinks she is in love so she sleeps with him. Good for you. I have no idea who my sister is anymore and neither does my mother. My mom is going nuts trying to 1 keep my gramma healthy and 2 trying to set some boundries with my sister and keep her from getting really hurt or from doing something stupid. My mom calls. Can you talk to your sister? Sure I'll fix everything. My mom calls. I need you to come home for the summer. Sure mom I'll drop my plans and future and be right there. My mom calls. Your cousin has been having massive seizures we need to fly to Oregon to see him. This may be your last chance. So I buy a plane ticket. I'm going to fly out there this weekend. Don't die. It would devastate the family. I worry it will kill my gramma. First week back from christmas break. Vagina monologues-1 month away. My girls are no where near ready. I need to call all of them and get a meeting planned this week. I haven't started working on publicity. 1 month away. second day back. One of the other directors calls. Sorry I quit. 1 MONTH AWAY. Great now I need to take on two other monologues. Have to fundraise too. Roommates come home. Really miss one. Want to kill the other one. No need for you to treat me like I am 5 years old. I think I can manage to do things on my own. Classes? Really need to stay on top of it this semester. I need to read and do the homework assigned. That is the goal anyway. Going to Oregon? Missing 2 days of school. No good for classes based on lectures.
Yay this on top of work, classes, FAB, Feminist Voice, Vagina Monologues, having crushes, dealing with friends, hanging out with friends and trying to live normally.